Hi Friends,

Has anyone that reads this blog been to an ATTACH conference or ATN conference?  Are you going to the ATTACH conference in September in NC?  I am thinking of going.  Last year I went to the ATN conference in MS.  It was awesome.  I meet many wonderful families and professions, and learned A LOT.  ATN’s conference is in Boston at the end of this month.  I am not attending because I was not too keen on the workshop choices.  L  I was just looking at the ATTACH topics and wow they look like they really apply to our family needs.  So, if you are going to go, let me know…I would love to connect.

Freddie the Lizard:  The boys caught a lizard in our yard in April.  What a great lizard.  We learned all you need to know about how to care for one.  Did you know that they eat crickets?  Did you also know that you have to feed the crickets and give them special cricket Jell-O to keep them alive until good ol’ lizzy is ready to eat them?  Crickets can’t have regular water – they will drown.  Whodathunk?  I personally like the other lizard menu items… meal worms.  They go in the fridge – I know that’s kind of gross, but they are in a sealed container.  No fussin!  They can live in the container in the fridge for up to 30 days.  Works for me.  Anyway, we all loved Freddie.  Even me.  You could hold him.  He would crawl around on your shirt and stay there for a long time.  Ate his food like a good little lizzy…Well, he jumped off of Payton’s shirt yesterday and ran away.  L  Chase and Payton cried.  We talked a lot about Freddie’s desire to be free and roam the open space.  20 minutes later…another lizard was caught and smiles were back.  His name was Jim at first, but we all kept calling him Freddie.  Unanimous vote, we will call him Freddie too – a lot easier this way!

I had the stomach flu last week.  Now Payton has it.  It is moving very slowly around our house.  I can never decide if it is better for illness to sweep through the house or take it’s time hitting each one of us.   Plans get cancelled either way you look at it.  Hopefully Payton will be back on his feet soon. 

Well, that’s it for now.  We had three good days with Hailey – not in a row you sillies – that would mean a small miracle hit the Dugas home…Friday, Sunday, Tuesday…dry and doing what she needs to do…I won’t hold my breath, but it is PROGRESS!!!  I ask Jesus for tiny glimmers of progress every day.  I have faith that this child will be healed!!!  I have decided that I will not stop posting on this blog until she is healed.  How sad if I stopped and you never got to read about the miracle that Jesus did with his child Hailey!!   So, keep checking back time to time, even if I don’t post, so that you can read the END to this story…..with God’s grace, love, mercy, and power, there will be and end to this story!

See, I watched that video (plus prayed, prayed, prayed) and my funk is over!

Hugs,

Jen

Well, I have not posted in a seriously long time.  I have had the RAD blah's.  That's not really a term.  I just made it up.  What does it mean?  It means that I am burnt out on raising a RAD child.  Unless you have a RAD child, do respite for one, hang out with one, are a grandparent to one, a sibling to one, you have no idea what I am talking about.  I wish that I could express it in a way that you would understand.  Forget about that, if I am going to get a wish...I wish that she would heal. 

I know that God has a plan for her, for us, for me, in all of this.   I feel it deep in my heart.  He is with me all day as I go through the difficulty of being a therapeutic parent to her.  The problem is I just don't feel like writing about it for all of you.  I am sure that there are people that read this blog that could use the support, guidance, advice, and therapeutic ideas.  But, right now, I just don't feel like it. 

I started this blog back in January of 2006....time sure flies.  I started the blog to share Hailey's journey with family, friends, and cyber friends.  Most importantly, I wanted to be able to record change and to leave a story for Hailey.  Although some of the things I have shared about her might not have been nice at times, her illness is not a secret - especially to her.  Hopefully, some day she can read this and see how far she has come.  Hopefully, she can say "wow, my heart was so broken and by the Grace of God, I am better!"

I will want to write again...maybe even tomorrow.  She is at a standstill in her therapy right now - hence the RAD blah's.  She is working on not wetting her pants any more.  If you have been following, you know she has done this since day one.  You would also know that wetting her pants is a deep, deep, emotional response.  I actually refer to it as an addiction.  She will not progress until she stops wetting her pants.  She has been working on this specific behavior since March.  I know that once she gets past this point, progress will come faster.  We all know that she can stop.   But, she is not ready to make that step.  I really, really, really hope that she takes that step in the next few weeks. 

You might be confused by what we are doing.  You might be thinking why not just let her wear a pull-up and not worry about it.  Well, it’s not the actual wetting that is the problem.  Whatever, I have dealt with it for 2 years.  But, she can not make emotional progress until she stops wetting her pants and exhibit her emotions by crying, yelling, screaming, or whatever else she needs to do release her feelings.  She uses wetting as an emotional release. 

Ok, I wrote more than I thought I would.  I must run.  I have so many pictures to post on another day.  We were in Hawaii for two weeks.  It was a dream.  I told the therapist while I was there…”Hawaii is the place to be when you are working through the difficulties of RAD!  No worries when you look at palm trees swaying in the warm ocean breeze!”  It was a gift from God for our family to sit poolside and beach side for 16 days!!! 

Hugs,

Jen

Please join me in praying for the Chapman family.  Steven and his family have been an inspiration to so many people, and especially the adoption community for years.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

HI Friends,

So, I am finally inspired to write.  When I wrote last, we were on our way to Lake Tahoe.  That was exactly a month ago.  Wow, time flies.  We had a wonderful time on our trip.  The weather was lovely.  God blessed us once again with an amazing week.  The sun was out every day.   We skied a total of 5 days.  The participants varied on each day.  We all skied on Monday and Tuesday.  Andy went home early Wednesday morning and then later that day, Payton broke his collar bone while we were sledding.

Yes, it was a sad day.  We went to our favorite sledding spot.   The kids got all their gear on.  Meanwhile Nana and I were really worried about the conditions.  It was very icy that day because it was really warm the day before.  Our favorite spot was basically a frozen hill.  I was really makin’ a fuss about the kids sledding.  But, because we were on our once a year vacation, I caved.  I did have them put their helmets on though.  Everyone went down the hill once.  There was screaming and giggling due to the speed in which they flew down the hill.  Payton went for his second run, as Nana was saying it was too icy.   Payton went flying down the hill, hit a bump, went flying in the air, and slammed his body down on his left shoulder.  He made a cry that I have not yet heard from any of my 4 children.  I immediately knew by his cry that something was broken.  I took him right to the hospital as Nana and the others went searching for bears.  Payton was given an immobilizer to wear, and sent home to rest. 

The first two weeks of his recovery and healing were the hardest.  Payton is an outside, rough and tumble, bike riding, horse riding, wave riding, jump roping, run around kind of kid.  To lay low for a day, let alone weeks at a time is terribly heard for him.  But, right now as I type this, even though he has two more weeks to a totally healed collar bone, he is riding his bike over jumps.  Go figure!  The orthopedist that we saw actually said to Payton “you can ride your bike and play…just don’t fall.”  Thanks Doc!!

The rest of the trip was hard for Payton.  But, we did not want to drive home – 9 hours with a newly broken collar bone, not a good plan.  Payton hung out in the condo with Nana two days and with me one day.  We took the other kiddo’s skiing while Payton rested.  Since Andy left, it was a little tough to orchestrate the day.   Chase is the best skier of the bunch.  But, Tanner picked up a lot of skills this trip.  So, he and Chase could ski together.  Hailey was another story.  She was doing ok with her skiing, but was struggling with progressing.  RAD kids like to do it their way.  So, I put her in ski school.  I was terrified to leave her with people I did not know.  Did not know how she would behave.  But, let me tell you…it was the best $90 I have spent in a long time.  We were at a small mountain, so we were able to see her skiing with her instructor the entire day.  She started at 9:30 am.  We picked her up for lunch at 12:30pm, dropped her back off at 1:30pm and did not pick her up again until 4:30pm.  Guess what the teacher said??  “Hailey was the best behaved child in the group and had a determination like no other child she has worked with.”  She had a blast.  I got a break and had a blast.  Of course she asked her instructor as we were saying our thank you’s and leaving “where’s your car?”  When the instructor (cute, young gal from Argentina) said “WHY?”  Hailey said “well, how am I going to get to your house?”  The gal looked at me and I just smiled as I whisked Hailey away.  Hailey cried for about ½ hour saying “I really liked her and want to go to her house.”   Can you say RAD?  I would still do it again. 

Our therapy is going well.  We have good days and bad days.  But overall, she is slowly changing.  Today, I was able to sit and do flash cards with her for an hour.  That was the first time ever that I could do that.  She has been working on www.starfall.com and watching Leap Frog Letter Factory to learn her letters.  I am sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo excited to say that she is this close to learning how to read.  She has 23 of her 26 letters and sounds.  When she has them all down cold, we will start stringing them together.  She was very proud of herself today.  I was too, but I have to be very careful showing it.  I can say things like “you knew that letter”, “that’s a hard one”, “you remembered it”.  If I give her too much praise and make a big deal, she can’t handle it.  She will immediately try to get herself in trouble to sabotage the good that she did.  I have to use a very monotone voice and not get excited.  I did a good job today, but sometimes I am very bad at this.  I naturally am a cheerleader.  I love celebrating accomplishments with my kids.  I want them to know that we are proud of their hard work.  It has taken me about 16 months to get to a point where I don’t jump for joy for her.  I know this sounds so sad.  But, what is sad when she does something really bad after a great accomplishment to negate the good she has done.  That’s what the skiing thing was about.  She had to negate her wonderful performance, which the teacher gushed about by asking to go home with her.  She knew that was not going to happen.  Whether she wanted to go or not was not the point.  She knew her statement would make me disappointed.  Well guess what missy….I am learning to not fall prey to such antics.  I said not a word!

I am so excited to share with you all about the letters though.  I honestly have felt that she would never learn how to read.  I bet she will be reading in 3-6 months time, if I can continue being bland, monotone and non-responsive when working with her.  Praise God that he is teaching me how to work with her.  Praise God that he is slowly healing her wounded heart, mind, and soul.  Praise God for a great resources that have helped her get this far.  Praise God, Praise God!!!

Hugs,

Jen.   

Hi Friends,

People have been asking for an update on Hailey.  Well, I do think the therapy we are doing is working.  But, it is a very slow and long process.  Her progress is still very much a roller coaster ride.  Two steps forward, one step back.  One step forward, two steps back.  I think that is the most frustrating part, especially for the boys.  They see her progress, play with her and connect with her and then she goes backwards.   I see their faces fall in frustration when she goes backward.

Hailey is definitely more emotional.  Not that her emotions are always appropriate.  Usually she uses her emotions to manipulate.  But, at least she is showing emotions.  If you recall, her first year here she was always happy.  I know that sounds great, but it is not normal.  Not a tear, not a tantrum, not a pout, no anger, no sadness, nothing!  Now she pouts, stomps her foot, cries, and does kind of a harrumph type thing.  When she is allowed she still loves to boss people around.  We have found that bossing people around is probably the most detrimental to her.  After being allowed to boss someone around, Hailey’s behavior is different.  Her attitude is different.  She acts empowered, but in a negative way.   Our family and friends are getting to understand that they can’t allow Hailey to boss them around.  But, it’s hard because she is very good at it.  If you are not 100% on your toes, the bossing will kind of sneak up on you.  She finds a window of opportunity, takes it and won’t stop.  The next thing you know, she’s bossing you around and you can’t figure out how you got there.  Our household is too wise for this behavior.  But, we are around her all day long.   The bummer is, if she succeeds at bossing someone around, we receive the payback.   I know this is so confusing.  But, here’s the deal.  She can not handle being the boss.  But, when she is nervous, she wants to take control.  In the moment of being the boss, she feels in control and empowered, but ultimately having the control makes her more nervous because she really can’t handle having it.  Imagine a child learning how to ride their bike for the first time.  They need to be helped.  If the child bosses around the helper, tells them what to do, and takes control, the child can’t learn how to ride.  So now, the child is afraid because he really does not know what to do.

 Hailey learning to ride a bike was such a HUGE deal for this exact reason.  She usually does not allow us to help her or teach her.  She likes to make up the rules.  Because she wanted to learn so badly, she allowed us to help her and teach her.  Playing a game with her is quite difficult.  She loves to make up the rules, cheat, pout and boss people around.  In the end, it is so frustrating to play.  But,  she is making progress.  Riding the bike is such a clear example of that. 

The incessant chatter is slowing down.  We are so thankful for that.  Hailey would chatter non-stop all the time.  Now when the chatter appears it is for a specific reason.  We can usually change the environment to help her slow the chatter down. 

That’s it for now, I gotta run.  Hugs to all!

Choosing Joy!

Jen

I have never been a soccer team or baseball team mom.  So, I don’t have experience at ordering shirts.  I went in the store two weeks ago and picked out the different sizes to have the kids try on.  Last night I actually placed the order for the 50 shirts.  When I walked in the door, the place was packed.  Wall to wall with baseball team moms and coaches ordering shirts.  I had time…. no problem.  The owner of the shop Julie was so kind and friendly.  She continually apologized for the wait and kept plugging along.  During the 20 minutes I was there I saw Julie extend grace and love to the people around her.

1. On of her college age employees needed to leave for class.  The place was swamped.  Julie did not care.  “Go on honey, don’t be late”

2. As the girl was leaving Julie says “Do you need to take a break tomorrow and do homework, or rest?  Take all the time you need honey.”  The student says “No, I can come in.”  Julie says “Well, come in when ever you are done with your school work.”  WHAT A BOSS!

3. When I place my order for my shirts, Julie took back the 4 shirts that I purchased for sizing and gave me my money back.  They were the wrong size and we couldn’t really use them.  But, that’s my problem right?  Not in her world.  WHAT A KIND HEART!

4. As I was leaving, I met a massage therapist that was walking in the door.  Julie the owner pays for her staff to have massages once a week because of all their hard work.  ARE YOU KIDDING ME FOLKS??

This is grace, love and mercy.  This is how people should act in our world.  I was shocked at her behavior…isn’t that sad?  Praise God for Julie.  Praise God for her heart!

So, if you are ever in Mission Viejo and need a shirt, or team shirts, stop in and talk to Julie at The Shirt Cannery.  You will get the best service and walk out the door with a smile on your face!!!  Most importantly, you will experience what the world should be like! 

Choosing Joy!

Jen

We had a relaxing weekend in the sand dunes to celebrate my birthday.  I can't believe that I am 41 years old.  Oy Vey!!!  We left Hailey in respite care.  That means she was with people that are trained to take care of RAD kids.  Our family needed a break from all the hard work.  She is healing very slowly.  She actually did well while we were gone.  She asked a lot to go home.  That shows healing. 

Our therapist gave us 4 specific things we should do to help Hailey while we were gone.  1) Give her a photo of our family to look at. 2) Give her an item that belongs to me for her to take care of.  The reason for this was that Hailey might not believe that I will come back for her, but she knows that I will come back for the item.  I know this sounds terribly sad, but it’s the truth.  I gave her a pair of gloves that I wear all the time.  3) Write out cards that “showed up” in the mailbox daily.  Cards that said we loved her, missed her, and would be back soon.   4) Call every day to let her know we were coming home in x amount of days. 

I am so surprised to say that there was no payback for our absence.  This shows tremendous growth and healing.  Normally, I would have been punished for 3 or 4 days following my absence.  She usually punishes me when I go to bible study for 3 hours.  This is a big praise.  I did not want to post yesterday, in fear that her punishment would be delayed for today.  But, I am excited to say there was no punishment!  Wow!

We have determined that Hailey can have dairy.  We only need to keep gluten out of her diet.  That is another praise.  She loves dairy and the calcium is good for her.  Makes my life easier too.

The boys were quad riding crazy boys at the dunes.  Payton learned how to ride my quad and Andy’s.  No small feat.  My bike is 23 years old.  Still runs like a champ (quiet Kimberly) but is very finicky.  Andy got a little ahead of himself and tried to have Payton ride his three-wheeler in the dunes.   With gentle reminders (thanks Jeffery) Andy realized that this might have been the wrong choice.  The figure eight track at our camp was used all day and into the night.  Andy brought new lighting to hook up to the generator so the kids could ride in the dark.  Who could complain?…food, treats, and riding in the dark with special lights!

Gotta Run, sorry for the typos but I have no time to check for mistakes!

Jen

Choosing joy!

Jen

HI Friends,

Happy New year to all of my friends, family and blogger friends that still read this blog. I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday season.

We have been a little busy. Because of all the work being done with Hailey and therapy, we chose two things that we would do this Christmas season. Usually, we attend many parties, sponsor 1 or 2 families, do Operation Christmas Child, bake cookies and all kinds of other fun stuff. We love Christmas and all the fun activities that the holidays bring.

In December we had our 5^th annual Christmas Dinner with my bible study group. One of the gals in the group and I love to have parties. So, we decided that Christmas time was the perfect time to celebrate with a big party. We do a sit down dinner for about 30. We always enjoy being with friends, laughing, celebrating and enjoying good food! We do a white elephant gift exchange every year that brings us to tears from all the laughter. We have some really funny people in the group that come up with some silly ideas. They plan these funny gifts all year long. We had a great night!

All four kids participated in our Christmas musical at church. We practiced in the month of November and December. Chase, Payton and Tanner had speaking parts. Everyone did an excellent job. Hailey was so excited to be part of the performance. Last year she had her surgery and could not participate. She learned every word of every song. Little Town of Bethlehem has some complicated lyrics. She learned them all and sang them proudly. What a gift from God to see her perform in the musical and do a wonderful job. The boys did beautifully too. But, with all the behavior issues with Hailey, it was a blessing to see her on stage.

We spent Christmas day at my mom’s relaxing with family and eating too much. Now we are at Nana’s again celebrating New Years Day. We arrived yesterday morning with the plan to raise a new horse enclosure. We need to separate the horses a little more. Fatty Magee, who has lost a little weight and might have to lose his title, is a hay hog. Two of the horses have trouble keeping weight on because of him. We have kept them separated but this new enclosure will make it easier. Well, on broken water pipe and many trips to Home Depot, I think it is almost done. As soon as the enclosure is finished, we will do a New Years Day ride...standing tradition!

Tomorrow, January 2^nd., the day daddy goes back to work, is always a hard day. We get so used to having him around. Doing fun family things, or just hanging around together is what we love. Now we go back to reality!

A quick update on Hailey: we are seeing tiny glimpses of light at the end of the tunnel. The work is so very hard, but we can see her slowly changing. I have to be very careful to stay on a day to day basis. Otherwise, I start thinking ahead and then get slammed with a bad day. It is what it is, and I am thankful for the tiny progress. I am thankful for every tiny little bit of change. My mantra from the therapist "THIS IS ALL TEMPORARY!!!" I do believe her. I see God working throughout the entire healing process and thank him for that daily.

I gotta run, the dirt crew is calling for lunch. I wish you all many blessings and joy in 2008!

Jen